I came from a place that continued to tell me that I just would never be enough. I've always know that I wasn't loved or wanted. I've always know that who I was did not measure up. For some reason today the details of the story really don't seem important. I don’t know if I can remember a day when I wasn't afraid or apologetic just because I was alive.
What I do remember is the day the LORD called my name to be His very own. The day the LORD spoke words of love into my soul. The Love that God was offering was the most wonderful thing that had ever been offered to me and at the same time the scariest because of course who could ever love me. I have been struggling from that day until this one to really understand and fully experience and know God. I knew that He loved me. But I also knew that I was unlovable so those two opposing "truths" have battled with in me since I was 14 years old.
I've spent my entire Christian life doing baggage maintenance (thanks Debbie for calling it for what it is). Maintaining this wonderful front of the happy Christian while beating myself up almost daily for being a fraud. In the course of the Freedom workshop God let me know that I have been such good friends with my sinful nature that I was living in death. After the first week my song became "you have not obligation to do what your sinful nature is urging you to do". It was and is a song I continue to sing. Because now I realize that what I have always called a personality trait was really my constant conversation with my sinful nature. I would just tell people I'm a "thinker". So wasn't it the most rational thing in the world to have every conversation with myself before even speaking to the Lord?
Since the Freedom workshop the freedom that (comes from knowing) Jesus suffered and died has become so real to me. I can now say that I am learning to live in the shelter of the Most High I am learning to find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I am leaning that I don't have to be afraid because God is my refuge my place of safety. I am learning how to place all my trust in Him. Prior to coming to the workshop, I really "believed" that the Freedom Workshop like every other conference or study group I've been to would fix me. I thought this time I will get the 1,2,3 of how to live the fulfilled Christian life I was always reading and hearing about.
What I did get is the truth that I am on a God lead journey and as long a I am willing to see Him and know that He alone is my peace in the storm will become the least of my concerns. I received the truth, by experience, that I can talk to God and know that He hears me.
I know that He is my goodness and in Him I am good enough. Thank you Father for 100% of Your Holy Spirit, for continuing to love me despite myself, for never changing, but constantly revealing more of more of Your goodness, and Thank you Debbie for being willing to share tools God gave you to living out the victory I already possess.
In His amazing love! The name of the LORD is "my" strong tower; I run to it and am safe. Prov. 18:10 paraphrased