I just wanted to say thanks so much for hosting the freedom workshop last night! To be honest, I didn't want to go. When you spoke about reading the Bible and memorizing Scripture, I thought "Oh brother. More work. Another class and stuff to add to my schedule. I cant' keep up with my normal reading and now I have to add this." Except it wasn't said so nicely in my head.
I'm a new Christian and I struggle with everything. I came from a very works-oriented religion before Christianity and I felt that although the doctrine was different, my feelings about God/religion had not really changed. I've been focusing on understanding doctrine and not feeling like I was getting anywhere. And I would tell God that it seemed like there should be a much bigger change in my life than doctrine. Where's the joy, peace, etc.? I felt resentful about returning to God, burdened. It was going to be more of the same. Not to mention that every single category of my life has been falling apart as a Christian. It was already falling apart, but I thought He would save it. Whew! How wrong! So I've been mad that He is letting my health, marriage, friendships, etc. fail. I still look back and have not been sure whether coming to Christ was the right thing. Sure we all want salvation, but I haven't been sure it was worth it, let alone whether I'll truly have salvation.....I felt wracked with guilt that could not be extinguished. But nearly word for word, I had the same thought that you said last night, "He already knows." I realized that I have been putting on a facade with God. I would try to say these prayers with the right words "Praise you". They have been hollow and empty. I thought if I said them enough, I'd mean them. But I didn't. How can you praise someone you are mad at? And how can you serve? I'm mad at myself, but feel I have no energy or desire to serve him.
I think he has been ready to start blowing my soul wide open. When you began to read David's prayers, I knew I was exactly where He wanted me last night. I am fiercely angry and I can't pretend. It felt so good to have permission to tell God the truth. What a concept! I have never felt so led in my life as I did last night. I was up til midnight, had goosebumps, and was just elated from being relieved of the burden of lying to God. I have been fighting surrender and not even been sure what it meant. I felt the walls start to drop. I gave myself permission to skip service if I need to and skip my normal Bible reading and focus on this. I have no idea where the Lord will take me, but it is the first time in my entire life that I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be. I could actually say "Praise You" to Him last night for putting me here and mean it.
I'm scared, but at least I can tell the truth now. I really appreciate what you are doing and I hope this class blows all of our souls wide open!