The Word of Their Testimony

He is my Goodness and That's Good Enough

I came from a place that continued to tell me that I just would never be enough. I've always know that I wasn't loved or wanted. I've always know that who I was did not measure up. For some reason today the details of the story really don't seem important. I don’t know if I can remember a day when I wasn't afraid or apologetic just because I was alive.

What I do remember is the day the LORD called my name to be His very own. The day the LORD spoke words of love into my soul. The Love that God was offering was the most wonderful thing that had ever been offered to me and at the same time the scariest because of course who could ever love me. I have been struggling from that day until this one to really understand and fully experience and know God. I knew that He loved me. But I also knew that I was unlovable so those two opposing "truths" have battled with in me since I was 14 years old.

I've spent my entire Christian life doing baggage maintenance (thanks Debbie for calling it for what it is). Maintaining this wonderful front of the happy Christian while beating myself up almost daily for being a fraud. In the course of the Freedom workshop God let me know that I have been such good friends with my sinful nature that I was living in death. After the first week my song became "you have not obligation to do what your sinful nature is urging you to do". It was and is a song I continue to sing. Because now I realize that what I have always called a personality trait was really my constant conversation with my sinful nature. I would just tell people I'm a "thinker". So wasn't it the most rational thing in the world to have every conversation with myself before even speaking to the Lord?

Since the Freedom workshop the freedom that (comes from knowing) Jesus suffered and died  has become so real to me. I can now say that I am learning to live in the shelter of the Most High I am learning to find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I am leaning  that I don't have to be afraid because God is my refuge my place of safety. I am learning how to place all my trust in Him. Prior to coming to the workshop, I really "believed" that the Freedom Workshop like every other conference or study group I've been to would fix me. I thought this time I will get the 1,2,3 of how to live the fulfilled Christian life I was always reading and hearing about.

What I did get is the truth that I am on a God lead journey and as long a I am willing to see Him and know that He alone is my peace in the storm will become the least of my concerns. I received the truth, by experience, that I can talk to God and know that He hears me.

I know that He is my goodness and in Him I am good enough. Thank you Father for 100% of Your Holy Spirit, for continuing to love me despite myself, for never changing, but constantly revealing more of more of Your goodness, and Thank you Debbie for being willing to share tools God gave you to living out the victory I already possess.

In His amazing love!  The name of the LORD is "my" strong tower; I run to it and am safe. Prov. 18:10 paraphrased

Tools from The Carpenter

Have you ever had to do a job around the house or even at work without the proper tools? I remember edging my lawn with one of those hand edger things, took me days and I had blisters on every finger. Imagine mowing the lawn with out a mower, or painting the walls with artist brushes.  It just turns a small job into a big job.

I've been trying to run my life without the proper tools. I read the Bible, tried to live right, but I didn't really know how. Then, about  one year ago, I came to Calvary Chapel. The first thing, just going to the New Believer's class. What a starting place, a tool to help me understand God's plan for me and how to nourish my faith.  It really grounded me. Then I started working in the café, it made me feel like a part of something and helped me to contribute to the body. Next, two ladies newcomers dinners, meeting the ladies and it gave me an intro to salt and light.

Then, the most current and best tool in the whole shop, I truly feel. This Freedom Workshop has helped me to turn the corner and realize my position with the Father. If someone had told me last year I would be here now, I would have laughed, said I didn't need it. We don't realize how much help we need, do we? I thank God every day for this work shop and all of the tools that Pastor Danny and Calvary Chapel have put at my disposal.

Standing on The Rock

My life before Christ was of course, one spent in darkness.  i excelled in my quest to fill the void within, always coming up empty-handed.  Over the years, i had built up wall upon wall upon wall and had sculpted, to perfection, the mask i wore.  i ran across the country and back, only to find i was still everywhere i went.  ??  Still plastered with labels that exhausted me.  As much as i wanted to be free from it all, ultimately, i was powerless in letting go. 

2 years ago, i began working with Pam, a Christian woman.  It was just the 2 of us, 5 days a week.  all day,  every day.  By our 3rd day together, Jesus was the topic of all our conversation.  She had an answer to every question i posed, and in my heart, i knew the right answer had finally come my way.  She suggested i check out Calvary Chapel... it took me about 3 weeks and one last really really really drunken night before i walked through the doors.  iIremember driving there, by myself, Sunday morning, so excited because i just knew i was going to my church home.  The service ended, pastor danny gave an altar call, and that began my life with Christ.

As you all know, life is not quite the same after that.  I was stunned to wake up the next morning and find that curse words actually hurt my ears.   Not only did they hurt, but oddly enough, I couldn't even utter one.  I remember just standing still, like, what is going on?  Something strange was taking place inside me?  He took away my desires to drink and drug... and that was only the beginning.  Throughout the past 2 years, He has transformed me in ways i never thought possible.  He has made Himself so very real to me.  As a former know-it-all, it's an adventure in itself learning I really knew nothing.  and to have your new Teacher be your very Creator?  Whoa. 

When I felt led to this workshop, I put it in the back of my head to go to it.  Oops, I forgot.  I ended up getting to the 2nd class, after my persistence in telling Him I really didn't need it. After all, I really wasn't "stuck."  HA!  The first "lesson" of the conversations I entertain in my head was, to say the least, shocking!  Not only the frequency of them, but the content?!  This workshop equipped me with the tools that are priceless for this journey.  The most valuable thing i take away with me right now is that it's ok to be vulnerable.  It's my doorway to trust, and a deeper faith.  And then He said:  "It's ok for walls to crumble around you, as long as you're standing upon the ROCK!" 

I am a Victor, not a Victim

First of all, I am the second oldest of ten. I was the product of an affair. I knew for a long time that I did not fit in. My father, who raised me, if that is what you would call it, was and still is an alcoholic drunk. My mother was a liar, a control freak, very selfish, and still is. She would do what ever she could to get over on you. My dad beat my mother almost daily. Then she would take it out on us kids. I got it the worst. My mother would tell me all the time I was a mistake that if she did not have so many kids what her life would be like. Family members molested me. When I turned 13 I had sex. By the time I was 15 I had been with 5 men. I got pregnant with a little girl. The father was 28 and I just turned 16.  My mother let him see me because he gave her money. If he did not give her something she would not let me go. I felt like a prostitute. When my mother found out that I was with child she used me to get whatever free services she could. She would tell me how worthless I was, that I let my babies father use me up. He came to her one day, told my mother that he would take care of me and move me in with him. There was some talk of money and their deal fell through. Before all of this my mother took me out of school in 4th or 5th grade to care for all my brothers and sisters. I was not alone my oldest sister was also taken out of school. We had to work with my mother cleaning hotel rooms, working in the laundry room, where we would get paid under the table. My mother would give us very little and she would take the rest. My mother was not very good at managing money. Bills would go unpaid. There were lots of times we did not have food or not a lot of food. We would eat things like spam spaghetti (YUM), neck bone spaghetti, yea good stuff. After I had my oldest I tried to go back to school. My mother would not let me. She said I had to work. I tried to work and go to school. I was even paying my mother to watch her but my mother got tired of that so she would call me in the middle of class to come home. It hurt because I wanted to be something more than a maid. My parents were not keeping up with the bills. The lights and the water were shut off, and then we were evicted.  My parents moved out and told me that I had to take care of myself along with my baby. I could not move with them so I had to get my own place. I had no money. My 4 month old and I lived in a home with no lights or water.  I had to get water outside for milk. The roaches were terrible.  I then found out about public housing, got on the waiting list and it came through. I moved into a low-income apartment. I had nothing and no one to help me. I got two jobs, then put my baby in day and night care.  I was not very good with money and the guy I was with beat me. I thought a lot about dieing during this time. My parents were using me, this guy was, and I was hurting myself. I then met my two youngest girls’ father. He worked with the guy I was currently seeing, and then I started seeing him. The guy I was with found out. He beat me so bad my eyes and mouth were closed shut. He left me in the apartment bleeding, crying and I wanted to die. I sealed up all the cracks, turned the gas on and lay on the floor with a picture of my baby. I felt my self-slipping away. God got me off that floor; it was not me because I wanted to die. As I sit here typing this it makes me remember the time just after I had my oldest child. I wanted to die, she was sleeping and I took a whole bottle of my mother medication. I lay down next to her, my eyes were getting heavy. She got up, reached and called out to me. I looked at her, jumped up, ran to the bathroom and made myself sick.  I remember being scared and asking God not to let me die. Well I moved in with this new guy. He was telling me how much he loved me and wanted me. He took care of me until I could see and eat again. He was 16 years older than me. I knew nothing about him but he wanted me, and would take care of me. Needless to say that was not the case. In the 6 or so years he beat me and my kids.  We were in and out of abuse shelters. I went back because I was told by my family that no one would ever want me.
I was scared.  I had never really been on my own. I had no support. I felt I needed a man to make it. Anyway, in my years with him my oldest child, who was not his, was beaten and sexuality abused by him along with his son.  It went on like this until one day after I had my last child. He had beaten me. I was lying next to him and he raped me. He went to sleep and I was thinking of ways I could kill him. I knew I needed to get out. I got a job with the county and God began the process of freeing me. I worked in the office; it was my first real job.  I also met my future husband there.  I will tell you that I would not have ever thought this man would be my husband because he looked nothing like the men I had been with. Not just outside, but inside he was warm, kind, caring. I did everything I could to mess it up with my sinful self. I can not count how many times I broke up with him, hurt him and he was still there. One day I broke up with him, I saw him a while later to get back with him. With tears in his eyes he said “I prayed God would bring you back to me.” My heart skipped a beat. After a lot more ups and downs we moved in together, and then got married.  I really struggled now being married, trying not to be my mother. I was still trying to drive him away too because there was no drama with him. The only thing I knew how to do was drama. I can't tell you how many times I told him to leave or I tried to leave him.  I was a victim and so was he. One day my life changed. God sent this woman in to the store that I managed and we talked.  I was just trying to sell her clothing and she invited me to church.  I took her card and smiled. She came in a few more times. I would see her at Wal-Mart almost every time I went. One day I called work, told a lie because I did not want to go. My dads’ sister who also worked there was told this lie. She went over to my parents’ house and was so hurt, now everyone knows. I was there, she cried and drove off.  My kids and I then drove off as well.  I was driving around not knowing what to do. I ended up at my husbands job crying. He asked me what was going on. I told him what I did. I gave him my ring, bankcard and told him I was leaving town. I said he needed to let me go, he told me to go home that he would be home soon. I left, went to drop the kids off home and I was going to go kill myself. God had other plans. When I got home, my sister in law who lived with us talked to me. We cried and I called a mental health counselor.  She told me to go to a hospital.  My husband took me to the hospital. That is where I called out to the Lord. I was there 4 days. It felt like years. I was put on three different kinds of medications. My husband never gave up on me. A few days after I got out I went to Wal-Mart. I was looking at DVDs, looked up and there she was, the same lady that I had met in the store. I told her what had happened. She asked me to church and gave me her number. I gave her mine as well. Two weeks later after a few calls by her, the girls and me went. It was 11-23-03, a month before my birthday. That day God called me and I could hear his voice so clear. After Sunday school this woman and about four other people I did not know talked to me about God, and then prayed with me. As I gave my life to God I cried so much I could not see but I felt different. My husband came to know God a bit later.  God really started dealing with me. My nightmares stopped. I got off all meds and stopped using bad words.  I wanted something else. We still were not in the word and I was looking to everyone else to tell me what God wanted for me. I did not feel like I could study the bible. When I did, I did not understand so I didn’t.  My sinful self said you are dumb and your sin is too great for you to be Gods’. I then gave up, my husband was growing and I was standing still. My sinful nature used that too. I would serve, sit on committees and struggling.  Feeling like one day someone is going to say I know that you are a fake and that would be it. God started the process of showing me that I was free a long time ago. I AM NOT A VICTIM, I AM A VICTOR.   That’s what this work shop has shown me, that I'm free, that I'm not my mother and just because these things happened to me does not mean that I have to live in that. I can love, be loved by others and my self.  Even when I felt unloved God loved me and he still loves me. His love NEVER FAILS. There is nothing I can do or anyone else to make God stop loving me. God Gave me a wonderful man of God and three wonderful girls. I have the life the world and my sinful self told me I could not ever have. God said Yes. Gods power is limitless and so is his love for us. 
God bless you all 

Running to the Father

(Through the message of the Freedom Workshop)God showed me that not only did I not have to listen to my own sinful nature but I don't have to listen to the sinful nature of others, I could get infected!  Now I understand why my energy is so low at times-I  have been caught in one of these traps!  Sometimes these conversations feel like stepping into quicksand.

God also showed me that he is always there to forgive me and empower me.  This is my path to freedom, not avoiding things so I never run into any trials.  Allowing the Holy Spirit to control my mind is the only way I can maintain the greatest gifts of life; thriving relationships with family and friends, a happy marriage and successful work and even good health.

I pray that we all continue being shown when we are having conversations with ourselves and turn from that and run, not walk, into the waiting arms of our loving father.

Learning to Pray Without Ceasing

 I was raised in a home where there was no mention of God.  If someone were to ask, "do you believe in God?" The answer would have been; yes, I believe in God.  But who God was was a mystery to me.  I certainly believed in a higher power than myself, however I was unsure of just who that was.  I guess you could have called me an agnostic at that time.
It wasn't until 1997 when I was having a conversation at lunch with a co-worker, who is a Christian and whose brother is an Assembly of God Pastor in West Virginia, I verbalized for the first time that, I believed in God but was unsure of who God was, and that I hoped  someday I would figure it out.  Her response to me was, "I'm sure you will."  Knowing her now as I do I'm certain that she prayed for me. 

Later that week I received a call from my dad.  He said he needed me and my husband to come over as soon as we could that he had something he had to discuss with us.  My heart pounded because I knew it wouldn't be good news.  We soon found out that my father had been diagnosed with Prostate cancer and had spread to his bones and the prognosis was not good.  Needless to say we were all devastated. 
 Sometime later after all the news was absorbed I had the strong desire to make sense of all this.  How could this happen to my dad, why did this happen to my dad, would I ever see him again after he dies and most importantly where is he going after he dies?   Since God was never spoken about in my childhood I wasn't even sure  what my father's beliefs were.  Quite honestly at that time I didn't feel comfortable asking him.  I believe  that God was answering my cry to him, when I expressed to my friend that I hoped someday I would figure out who He was.(But when we cried out to the Lord, he heard our cry and sent an angel who brought us out of Egypt. Numbers 20:15-17)  I believe God was using my father's illness to prompt me to find Him.
For about the next year that I tried several different self help groups, talked to different people and even talked to the Hospice Chaplin who was assigned to my father's case in hopes of coming up with some answers.  All were very helpful, but I never felt as though I had found the answer.  My husband knew a couple that attended Calvary Chapel and they invited us to attend with them.  We went, and I can't really explain why but from the beginning I knew  this is where I needed to be.  I felt very intimidated being in a church and had a very hard time understanding the teaching from the Bible.  But the worship, that's what ministered to me (Singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs among yourselves, and making music to the Lord in your hearts, Ephesians 5:19). I was very uncomfortable with standing and the raising of hands. I just meditated on the words to the songs and that's how I learned who God was.  I have to admit in the beginning the worship was what kept me coming to church.  I  had this idea that you had to be living a sinless life before you came to the Lord.  It was during the worship service when someone was singing, "Now is the Time to Worship"  the Lord spoke to me.  It is such a simple song but spoke volumes to me. The Lord told me through that song that I could come to Him just as I was and give my heart to Him.  That day I did and my life has never been the same since.  Nine years later my husband and I are still attending Calvary Chapel.  In that nine years I have never really been involved in a small group of any kind.  I have volunteered for different things and been a part of the "Most Excellent Way Ministry" with my husband but never a small group.
Since coming to the "Freedom Workshop"  I feel that I have learned so much in the short 6 weeks. One thing is the importance of being relational in a small group helps you grow so much! (They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.  Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles, Acts 2:42-43)  Another very important thing is understanding what to pray without ceasing means.  That has been a tremendous revelation for me.  Also, asking God to explain His word to me and how it applies to me and my life.  I thank God for this group and am looking forward to  all He has planned for me in the future.  All my Love,

Raised in the Church, Now Free at Last

I've spent most of my life seeking God, brought up in the church, I always believed in Jesus as my Savior, but I never walked in the light.  I had my fun in the 70's, drugs, sex, you remember, the hippie days. Sex and drugs were a way of life. Pregnant at 19, lucky me, the year they made abortion legal, 1973. Well, it got worse, left the drugs behind but I spent all of my time chasing after men, in and out of relationships, looking for love in al the wrong places. I could go on, but you get the idea. Then, I left all that behind, no reason other than growing older.

Well, 15 years go by, and suddenly last May on a Sunday morning, I awoke as if someone had kicked me out of bed, really. I went to Calvary Chapel that morning and here I am now. Yes, I believe it was the Holy Spirit nudging me that morning.

 Where am I going with this? Well, until I attended this workshop, I mostly thought I got through the rough times on my own strength.  I knew God watched over me, but only now do I really see that I didn't stay safe all those years without the Father carefully watching my every move. He sent the Holy Spirit to me last May, and the Hold Spirit has been there all along. Thank you for sharing this wonderful truth with me. I don't have to struggle and fight with the sin in my life, I can just call on the Lord and say no.

Freedom from Food

I came to the Freedom Workshop for a specific reason.  From the time I was a child, I was fixated on food and my body.  First, food was comfort, and then I learned to hate my body and began a binge/dieting cycle that has plagued me for 20 years.  No matter how hard I tried, I could not win because I vacillated between gluttony and then wanting to be thin.   I became a Christian four years ago and immediately sought God's deliverance from what I learned for the first time was a  stronghold.  I pursued all the usual Christian disciplines including prayer, Bible Studies, Christian programs, Christian counseling, and other groups that take you back into your past to discover the lies as a result of childhood trauma.  While it was helpful to know where the defeating behavior came from, I arrived in Florida feeling like a victim, completely stuck and wanting to be free. When I saw the workshop in the bulletin, I knew God was giving me the next step.

God spoke so many things to me during the workshop.  I realize that He has been leading me out of this bondage since the day I first asked Him, but total freedom was not going to come until I developed a relationship with Him through His Word.   Through the workshop, God showed me that I was a new person and I had no obligation to listen to the sinful nature, which freed me from having to overeat or idolize food for comfort and pleasure, self-loath, diet or read diet/health materials, or crave a perfect body.  Also, He showed me  I was not a victim of the harmful words and actions that influenced the stronghold.  For the first time, I realized I was not a victim of my childhood.  I had made choices and could begin to make new ones because I was a new person.   Because I learned to be in His Word, each day I felt that He spoke new things to me, really amazing things that have freed me more than I ever thought possible.  I have been praying for awhile to learn to study the Bible and now I am- with excitement and pleasure.  I can't stay in bed anymore in the morning because I feel as if He is waiting for me, and no matter how tired I am or how much I want to sleep extra, I always get up to meet with Him.  And I am never disappointed.

I got Debbie's  "I'm Stuck, But I want to be Free" CDs from Calvary Chapel's bookstore and shared them with my sweet, believing husband.  He too has been longing to be in the Word, and he has been very supportive of my struggle.  He listened to the CDs on Sunday, and now we have a common language and can encourage each other to not listen to the sinful nature.  He is more excited than ever about reading the Bible, and in a low time yesterday, he gave me scripture right out of Romans 14 that was so timely.  Also, I shared the materials on the website with my mother in Michigan.  She is excited to get the CDs and reports that already she has seen a huge difference in how much she listens to the sinful nature just from reading the materials.  

At the beginning of the year, my parents, my husband, and I sat down and shared our prayer requests for the year so that we could pray for one another.  All of us wanted to study the Bible and understand it more.  That has happened for my husband and I, and I am sure it will for my parents too after they listen to the CDs.  Another heartfelt prayer for me was deliverance from food/dieting addiction, and I know that through this group I am walking in His marvelous light, out of Egypt and into the Promised Land.  I am not there yet, but at least we are walking together now rather me trying to blaze my own trail out of Egypt.

Thank you all, my sisters in Christ.

Dry and Disappointed

! I was recently thinking about my life this past year.  I cannot believe how much more I have come to know the Lord since I started my Salt and Light Bible Study.  I have been a dedicated Christian since September of 1988 and I have had mountain tops and valleys. 

The last few years I had started to feel such a deep sense of disappointment when I would attend conferences and ladies gatherings.  Why you ask?  Well, as a new Christian I would go and sit and get totally blessed and pumped up by the speaker.  I would walk away feeling so motivated.  It was worth the time away from my family because it was almost like taking a drug, for a short period of time I felt renewed.  However, as I got older and as I heard more and more speakers it lost it's "motivating power" for me?  I felt dry and disappointed.

Last January I started leading a Beth Moore study called, "Breaking Free".  I was really looking forward to it because I had spent a season of 7 years laying fallow. 

As I began the Beth Moore study I was encouraged for the first time in a loooong time.  Especially the first few weeks.  I realized that "I" was created by the one who loves me MOST and that I craved fellowship and relationship with other women.  I realized that this didn't take AWAY from my family but really added to it.  When MY cup is full I can give my family something to drink but when my cup is DRY I have nothing to offer?

About halfway thru the Moore Study I started to feel restless?  I was missing the freedom of opening my bible to wherever I WANTED to read, I started getting behind on lessons because I would read something from the bible on my own and then I would spend hours one or two days trying to catch up those missed lessons. 

The Lord then planted an idea in my heart.  There was this lady who I really didn't know that goes to my church.  She is a full time missionary with Navigators and speaks all over the world.  I had heard many great things about her but didn't know her. 

HOWEVER, I did know that she led these Salt and Light groups and that I had heard some really good testimony about how much some of my friends really REALLY Loved being a part of these groups.  This idea grew and grew and finally one day on the way to bible study my girlfriend Angie and I were riding together as we normally did and I told her about this off the wall thought going thru my brain....,

What If I were to call this Debbie Friley and ask her if, at the END of our Beth Moore study would she be willing to come speak to our group (80 women signed up for this study) about Salt and Light so that those who were not plugged in could have a place to go after the Beth Moore study was finished?  Angie and I agreed to pray about this and I told her that I wanted to just wait and make sure it was from the Lord.

Not even a full week later I am at the doctors and who comes walking out the door?  Debbie Friley!  I was stunned at how directly the Lord had answered my prayer?!?!

I just blurted it all out and she said, "GREAT", pulled out her calendar we set up dates and before I knew it, I was driving home in stunned silence.  See this doctor is not near my house NOR hers.  She's been my doctor for 10 years and I just don't run into St.Pete people while I'm there because she is in Seminole.  I knew at that moment God was working.

Fast Forward to the end of our Beth Moore study and Debbie has come to speak to the girls in my study.  Mind you, I was doing this for "them" because I had four children and just could not make a long term commitment to any ministry at this time in my life.  Especially, "leading" a group.  Beth Moore was only a 10 week commitment and so that was ok but these Salt and Light groups were on-going.

Debbie asked If I would be willing to lead a group and after praying about it I told her that I couldn't but that I'd be glad to help her get them started.  She called me back and asked if I would be willing to lead one thru the summer just to give continuity as we made the switch and I said sure, thinking I could since it wasn't a long term commitment.

Little did I know how MUCH my life was going to be impacted!  Salt and Light has been life changing for me.  Even though it took me a few months to really catch the vision.  You see,  S&L is not about the author of the bible study. (such as Beth Moore)  It's about the author of LIFE, Jesus Christ the son of God.  It is the most remarkable journey to take responsibility for my relationship with the Lord instead of always depending on others to feed me.  Debbie calls it being a self feeding Christian. 

It is not easy.  You have to get your hands dirty and discipline yourself to be in the Word everyday.  To ask the LORD to speak to YOU each day and YET, it is the easiest thing I've ever done because it's as natural as breathing.  I can go anywhere, anytime and all I need is my bible.  I read the Word, read the Word, read the Word.  Some women journal in a notebook but I simplify the process even more by doing most of my journaling in my bible.  I date the place where I start and write what's going on in my life that day.  One day I will pass these bibles I go thru, down to my children and grandchildren. 

In the past year I have found myself praying ALL the time.  When I find myself getting anxious I am learning to immediately stop myself and go directly to the leader of this bible study, Jesus Christ.  I no longer look to be fed by others.  Though I do enjoy listening to speakers, they are not
my main meal but instead the dessert!

Being a part of  a salt and light group for me is hard work.  I do have 4 wonderful children, I do home school them and have even been potty training one, I do have a wonderful husband who works LONG hours to provide for his family, I do have an ailing Grandmother who needs me a lot.  It would be easy for me to say that I didn't have the TIME but the truth is that left on my own I would sputter and stall.  Debbie, who says she is not the leader but just KNOWS the leader (Jesus Christ) says our motto is, "We're Better Together".  In the beginning that was a cliche for me.  Now I see how true that is.

Let me close by telling you about my group.  ALL of them are older.  Some are in their forties, fifties, seventies.  NONE of them home school.  ALL of them work outside their home.  I remember thinking maybe this won't work I have nothing in common.  Well, let me tell you something!  These ladies have become so dear to me you couldn't tear me away from them with a crowbar, LOL!  They offer me the experience of having BEEN THERE, DONE THAT.  Plus, we have the MOST important thing in common.  We love the Lord.  The Word is our ballast.  As a group we cling to it.  I thank these women for investing in my life and what JOY it has been for me to invest in theirs this last year.

My goal this new year is to finish reading thru the bible and to store up His word in my heart thru memorization.  Salt and Light does have you memorize one verse per week. 

He's Ready to Blow my Soul Wide Open

I just wanted to say thanks so much for hosting the freedom workshop last night!  To be honest, I didn't want to go.  When you spoke about reading the Bible and memorizing Scripture, I thought "Oh brother.  More work.  Another class and stuff to add to my schedule.  I cant' keep up with my normal reading and now I have to add this."  Except it wasn't said so nicely in my head.   

I'm a new Christian and I struggle with everything.  I came from a very works-oriented religion before Christianity and I felt that although the doctrine was different, my feelings about God/religion had not really changed.  I've been focusing on understanding doctrine and not feeling like I was getting anywhere.  And I would tell God that it seemed like there should be a much bigger change in my life than doctrine.  Where's the joy, peace, etc.?  I felt resentful about returning to God, burdened. It was going to be more of the same.  Not to mention that every single category of my life has been falling apart as a Christian.  It was already falling apart, but I thought He would save it.  Whew!  How wrong!  So I've been mad that He is letting my health, marriage, friendships, etc. fail.  I still look back and have not been sure whether coming to Christ was the right thing.  Sure we all want salvation, but I haven't been sure it was worth it, let alone whether I'll truly have salvation.....I felt wracked with guilt that could not be extinguished.  But nearly word for word, I had the same thought that you said last night, "He already knows."  I realized that I have been putting on a facade with God.  I would try to say these prayers with the right words "Praise you".  They have been hollow and empty.  I thought if I said them enough, I'd mean them.  But I didn't.  How can you praise someone you are mad at?  And how can you serve?  I'm mad at myself, but feel I have no energy or desire to serve him.   

I think he has been ready to start blowing my soul wide open.  When you began to read David's prayers, I knew I was exactly where He wanted me last night.  I am fiercely angry and I can't pretend.  It felt so good to have permission to tell God the truth.  What a concept!  I have never felt so led in my life as I did last night.  I was up til midnight, had goosebumps, and was just elated from being relieved of the burden of lying to God.  I have been fighting surrender and not even been sure what it meant.  I felt the walls start to drop.  I gave myself permission to skip service if I need to and skip my normal Bible reading and focus on this.  I have no idea where the Lord will take me, but it is the first time in my entire life that I feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be.  I could actually say "Praise You" to Him last night for putting me here and mean it.   

I'm scared, but at least I can tell the truth now.  I really appreciate what you are doing and I hope this class blows all of our souls wide open!